Freaked out - check. Scared - check. Do I know that Faith and Fear do not reside in the same space? Absolutely. Have I given this to God - daily, sometimes hourly, and sometimes minute by minute.
Initially, I told my closest most immediate family, and a couple prayer warriors. Today, I have decided that just like my daughter needs a support system, my mom probably needs one, and the list goes on. Today, I have decided to let it go, release this, stop holding it close to my chest and set it free. I am opening my life, my family, and my situation to prayer. To love. No more fake smiles, no more fake happy, no more superficial crap. Gotta keep it real, because it's much easier to keep it together, when I'm not trying so hard to not fall apart.
So, the CT that said "lung mass" - insane amount of freak out, but God put His hands on me and told me to relax, what will be will be. That 1st radiology report that said my lungs were clear - HUGE relief. The 2.1 cm lesion on my pancreas paled in comparison to possible something in my lungs.
The CT scan with and without contrast of my abdomen and pelvis, the details of the lesion on my pancreatic tail - yikes. REAL. My primary telling me I have to get a GI doctor, okay, I can do this. Had an appointment Friday, March 5, with reports in hand, headed to GI.
He tells me I need an appointment with a specialist and there are only a couple in Broward County who perform endoscopic ultrasound and biopsy of the pancreas. He tells me I will have to have surgery. He tells me it has qualities of cancerous or precancerous cells. He tells me that he may have to remove part of my pancreas. I am composed. I do not cry. I gather all of the information, the name of the specialist he recommends, and I leave. On March 9, after many calls, I finally have an appointment for the procedure at Memorial Regional.
Denial kicked in for about a week. I took the family to TopGolf, I took the family to Zoo Miami, then I got exposed to Covid-19, and I freaked out. I called my bestest - Terista - who is an RN and lives too far away in KY, from my driveway. This was a meltdown of monstrous proportions. What if I can't get my biopsy? What if I get sick, I'm high risk? What if, what if, what if. While at home quarantining, God put His hands on me, and said "what if"? I said, "why me? He said, "why not"? And I realized if I contracted Covid-19, He would take care of me. If it's cancer, He is going to take care of me. There are so many amazing people I know who have fought cancer - prostate, testicular, breast, ovarian, thyroid, brain, and if I have to join them, well, His plan, not mine. I then realized that if...then...He still has me in the palm of His hands. He is still in control. He knows what it is, why, and what's next. I don't need to know.
All I need to do is put one foot in front of the other. Go to one appointment at a time. Take this one day at a time. Trust that no matter what, FAITH and FEAR do not reside in the same house, and FAITH lives in mine. Do I cry, yes, when my head starts spinning, and I begin thinking too far ahead. Then I stop, recenter my focus on Him, and let it go. So, tomorrow I go to get my COVID-19 test, and then, well, maybe a trip to the Everglades (in my car, no contact with humans).
Thanks for joining me on this adventure. Not as exciting as some, but this is cathartic for me, and all the glory goes to God.
Crazy Lady a.k.a. Sandee - this picture was taken summer 2019 on the PCH. God's artwork is extraordinary!