That's what this week has been for me - a lot! A lot of emotion, a lot of feelings, a lot of chaos.
The Nurse Manager for the surgical oncologist called me Tuesday, Julio. He is great! His goal is to get all pertinent information for Dr. Merchant, so when I go in next Wednesday our appointment will be productive. I sat in the computer room at work discussing my symptoms (my poop being one of them) trying to block out the chaos around me. Store manager paging me, then coming in, office staff paging me, then coming in, phone ringing off the hook...Julio asking me about my CT scans, have I had a PET scan, do you have a medical oncologist? Wait. WHAT?
This is going to sound nuts, but in my mind this is a thing that needs to be cut out, a little cancer thing. See a surgeon, make an appt, get it removed. Now we have to make it a thing. A process. More steps. Find out all the details. I'm holding myself together, voice steady, but inside I'm barely composed, going to lose it in a second, feeling the tears...crap. come on, Julio. He's going to call me right back. He does. He found a UHealth Dr near me. Great, thank you. Appointment set - Tuesday. She's an oncologist. She's great. Crap...I know this sounds crazy, but I actually HAVE a cancer. I NEVER saw this coming.
This night I have nightmares. I am not prone to nightmares. I have 2. The 1st one someone is "rescuing" me in the water, but I am being pulled just below the surface. I cannot breathe. I wake up gasping for air and scream. The 2nd one is almost funny, almost. A crazy guy is in my house, kind of like the Mayhem guy from the insurance company, he is on my kitchen counter, running my mixer, throwing stuff everywhere - complete CHAOS. I can't get him or anything to stop. Again, I wake up. It's very easy to analyze these dreams - especially when you have a passion for psychology.
I have no control. I feel like I'm drowning. I need some order. I need calm. I have a complete meltdown at home. I tell Steve, Meghan, and Alex that I need things in their places, I need them to pick up their stuff, I need some peace and calm. My house always looks lived in, and it is. Blankets on the couches, books and computers on the tables, but right now I need a little less chaos. I need to breathe. Does this make sense to you?
I'm still planning Alaska. We are still looking for a camping van. I found one. I even got approved by my credit union, but not for that one. I need a newer one. This one is 20 years old. 57,000 miles. Excellent records. Again, no control. Newer ones cost twice the asking price, some older ones are more expensive. This one is perfect for me. Deep breath.
We buried Steve's aunt this week. She taught me how to cook curry goat. I met his whole family in her home 33 years ago. When I miscarried, she came and held my hand and shared her story with love and compassion. It's a lot. This pic is the next generation of O'Sulluvan, Overton, and Hamilton. Beloved cousins. Grandchildren and nieces and nephew of Aunt Bibbs.
Have to go to work. Thanks for joining me on this adventure. Be blessed and be a blessing.