Here we go. My alarm is set for 4am, but I can't sleep anymore. I have rested as much as I can, but my mind is restless.
Questions such as: how many incisions? how much pain will I be in after? will I have to have a drain? how will my body adjust? will I have trouble eating? will I have uncontrollable diarrhea? will I become insulin dependent?
These are not irrational questions. For pancreatic surgery, pancreatic cancer, these are valid issues, and we won't know until the time comes. Until after surgery. Until we see how MY body reacts. Until we see how much is removed. So, I can't get answers, I have to have faith that no matter what happens, He is in control. He's got me. I can't plan this, and I can't control this. Yikes. I like to be in control. I like to know what to prepare for mentally. And there isn't a damn thing I can do except trust that I am in good hands, the daughter of the King, and that whatever happens, whatever comes when I wake up, that I am not alone.
That is not easy. No matter how strong your faith, no matter how big your circle, no matter how many people are praying for you - when push comes to shove - you've gotta push through, you've gotta fight, you've gotta do the work.
I have tried to get my surgeon to speculate. I've read everything on this type of surgery, and I've watched 17 seasons of Grey's anatomy - all I can do is let go, because we won't know until this afternoon. Until I wake up. Until recovery begins.
I'm going to take my final shower. Breathe deeply. Pray. Stand strong. And face this head on - like I do everything else. Today is the day that I kick cancer to the curb. And start the next chapter. The survivor chapter. Life after cancer. And I can't wait!!!
Be crazy. Hold on. Life is calling - LIVE!!!